Week One ended with a bang. I made it through every day of mandated training, including a trip to the pool on Saturday morning.
Here's a little note on going to the pool on Saturday morning. Prior to now I had been fortunate enough to be able to hit the gym pool in the middle of the day on weekdays (yay for working from home). I had never braved the gym on the weekends because I was convinced that the Weekend Warriors would be clogging it up. Turns out that is not true. Saturday is not Weekend Warrior Day at the pool, it is Special Ed Day at the pool. Okay, that is not PC. I need to think of a politer way to express this, but...since it's already out there...let's just go with it. I get to the pool Saturday and there are only two lap lanes open since the majority of the pool is being taken up by kiddie swim class (PS this is the kiddie swim class Kayla should be in, but she about froze to death the first couple of times we took her and since then has strategically napped right through class each and every Saturday - *flush of money down the toilet*). The center lap lane is being used by a woman who is swimming laps (You're thinking "Duh...", but wait for it...) and the outer lap lane is being occupied by a woman who has her back pressed up against the far wall and is languorously "kicking" her feet up and down. So, I start walking toward her, planning to ask if she is going to be in the lane much longer, because clearly she must just be cooling down, when a man jumps up from one of the chairs by the side of the pool and walks over to her.
Man: "Excuse me, do you mind if I share your lane?"
Woman: "Nope. I'm actually about to get out."
Man: "Oh good. I'm only going to swim a couple of laps anyway."
So, I think, "Perfect!" I walk over, take my mandatory pre-pool shower, come back out and "couple of laps" guy is literally doing a Dead Man's Float in the middle of the lane. ???? Ready to grab the lifesaver and leap to his rescue, I start to rush over, but then he rotates onto his back and proceeds to float, just float, as though he somewhere in the Caribbean with a palm tree in the background, in the dead center of the lane. Erm... Trying to be patient, I walk over and start getting my swim cap on, my goggles on, stretching, biding time, thinking "Surely, he must be about to get out. He can't possibly be planning to occupy one of the only two lap lanes like this." Oh, but he was planning exactly that. After five minutes of watching this guy float in the middle of the lap lane, I finally walked over to him.
Me: "Excuse me, are you planning to swim in this lane?"
Him: "No, I'm just stretching."
Me: "..." (externally); "Are you F&^*ing kidding me??" (internally)
Me: "Do you plan to stretch much longer?"
Him: "Well, I've only been in a few minutes, so I'm not really sure."
Me: "Well, do you mind sharing the lap lane since you're only stretching?"
Him: "Well, you can certainly see if there's room for you to swim in it while I'm stretching."
Me: "...I...yeah, okay, great. I'll need half of the lane of course..."
Him: "You can see if it works out."
Me: *very affected smile* (externally); "I am so going to swim right over you, aiming a few key kicks at a few key places, if you don't move over to your half by the time I get to you." (internally)
Him: *very affected smile* (externally); I can only imagine...maybe just a never ending chorus of circus music? (internally)
And so I started to swim and, luckily for both of us, Couple Laps Guy did manage to move over and only take up half the lane each time I got to him. Of course, in between, he would spread himself like a big glob of long-dead jellyfish, over the entire lane...seriously...who does this?
So, after about 10 minutes of this, Couple Laps Guy finally gets out of the pool. PHEW. Of course, this is when the fact that it is Special Time at the pool really gets driven home. I am down at the far end of the pool when I see a woman come in. She sits down at the opposite end of my lane and starts kicking her feet in the water. She does not stop. Not even when I arrive at that end. Helpful...So, I turn around and head back to the other end of the pool (as normal people who swim laps are wont to do). In the meantime, Kicker Chick lowers herself into the pool and starts to "swim". I say "swim" because she literally has her arms out at a 90 degree angle from her body and is essentially doing some kind of enlarged form of the doggy paddle. May I mention that no one, NO ONE, has joined the normal swimmer in the middle lane yet. I apparently look friendlier. I am so not. Anyhow, so now she is coming toward me. The Jaws theme music is playing in my head. As we pass one another in the lane, I brace myself for the inevitable impact which, thankfully, never comes, because I am so terrified of her flailing fists that I have practically begun straddling the lane divider, desperate to escape from what was clearly to be my untimely demise. And so we continued, for another 15 minutes (Thank God I only had 15 minutes left to go). Oh, and might I mention that in the midst of this, one of the lamps that are fixed into the side of the pool has come loose and is now bobbing in our lane? Special. S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Special.
Sigh...
So now I have to come up with a new plan for this Saturday, because I am not at all looking forward to reliving my experience from last week. What other low impact cardio activity would make a good swimming substitute (and have no potential to turn into a scene out of some bad comedy flick)?
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